Indifference and Liars

This is about indifference.

Or, rather, the moment in our lives where once we were indifferent to the emotions and connections with certain people around us, and the exact moment where that indifference suddenly disappears into a connection. For better or for worse.

You walk around holding on to only as many emotions as you can. At least I do. I give much of myself to the people around me, and so there is only so much to go around. There is a point when I decide whether or not to invest emotion into someone. If I decide not to, I am indifferent. I would care if the person got hit by a bus, but I do not live and breathe by their actions, thoughts of them, or anything else about them.

This was how things stood, once, between us: they stand there, hat in their hand, asking for me to return their affections, or words of interest at least. But then, someone else held every piece of me in their hands. When your heart so readily belongs to someone else, it is hard to pay attention to something else, someone else, even when they are staring you in the face.

Years pass.

Stalemate, but friendship exists to a degree.

I change. I love someone new.

And then I reach a point where I get a bit of my emotional investment returned to me, damaged and dirtied by the asshole who did not care enough to take better care of my feelings, someone not as in love as I thought him to be. It’s on the edge of this turmoil where I have turned indifference into sudden affection. Rash, unwise, and poorly invested emotion.

But they changed. When they beg your attention but squander your affection. They feign interest, but actually, they are indifferent. They do not realize it, they lure me in with words and promises, not realizing how fragile I am. But indifference can hide quite well behind words and selfish actions, it seems.

And they lie. About everything.

I fear I fell into the assumption that because I was always honest about my indifference, the favour would be returned. I am always honest about how I feel, and too readily expect people to do the same.

But I have come to the understanding that this person cannot be honest with me when they are even lying to themselves. They lie. About everything. To me, to their family, even their other friends.

See, that’s the danger with standing on the edge of indifference and affection. You can jump the wrong way. I jumped without even looking. Into so many lies my head spins with them. I get mad, I forgive, and then I find a new one, a new lie. I desperately try to salvage something. At least the friendship.

But they sabotage. They get caught again; a sea of lies sweeps me off my feet.

Now we’re all left looking like liars. They lied to me. I lied to myself.

Indifference and Liars. The most successful way to kill a friendship/whatevership.